Donald Trump Claims that Hillary Clinton has “No Balls”

In an interview yesterday with the New York Times, Corey Lewandowski, Donald Trump’s campaign manager, described the presumptive Republican nominee’s plans for competing in the upcoming general election. “You can be absolutely sure of one thing,” Lewandowski declared. “Mr. Trump firmly intends to put the whole penis size issue behind him.” But later the same day Trump himself negated Lewandowski’s declaration.

In remarks before the annual conference of the National Organization of Old Male Privileged Heterosexuals (NO/OOMPH), Trump raised the penis size issue. “Look, guys, I’ll level with you. I may not have the biggest dick in the world, but at least I’ve got one.”

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This remark won Mr. Trump a standing ovation from the audience (except for those too old to rise from their seats without assistance).
“I’m gonna tell it like it is,” Trump continued. “It’ll take balls to negotiate trade deals with China!

And it’ll take balls to defeat ISIS! Now, gents, don’t get me wrong. In saying this, I’m not denigrating women. I like women! I love women! Woman are fantastic human beings. But let’s face it, fellas, women don’t have balls! And Hillary Clinton is a woman!”

There have been many jokes about the small size of Trump’s hands (and the implications thereof) but at this event it was clear he held the huge audience — virtually all white men over fifty — firmly in his hands, however small. The crowd was enthralled.

“When I’m President, life is gonna be so great for guys like you,” Trump exclaimed. “It’s gonna be beautiful, I promise. You’re gonna get laid whenever you want. I promise! You boys are gonna get so much ass, you won’t know what to do with it all. And I’ll tell you why this is gonna happen. It’s because the motto of the Trump administration is gonna be this: white dicks matter!” 

This caused an eruption of enthusiasm in the crowded hall that can only be described as delirious. Some in the crowd, carried away by their enthusiasm, actually unzipped their trousers so they could pridefully display their genitalia to others. Much hilarity ensued. But when Peter Braggart, NO/OOMPH’s Chairperson, asked Mr. Trump to show “solidarity” with the group by dropping his own trousers the candidate declined to do so, stating that it would not be considered “Presidential.”

Reached later in the day, campaign manager Corey Lewandowski was asked to comment on Trump’s conduct at the NO/OOMPH conference. In response, Mr. Lewandowski issued this statement, “Mr. Trump’s statements today make perfect sense, and are totally consistent with his policy positions. After all, if he won’t release his tax returns, how can anyone expect him to expose his genitals?”

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As published today in the US edition of the Huffington Post:

I couldn’t be more serious about this funny stuff!

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