In post-BREXIT turmoil, Parliament suspends Magna Carta and grants Queen absolute power

In a desperate, unprecedented attempt to restore political stability, the British Parliament voted yesterday to suspend the Magna Carta and, in the interim, to grant absolute power to Queen Elizabeth II.

The post-BREXIT turmoil has, in effect, left the country completely leaderless. In proposing such radical legislation, David Cameron, the discredited Prime Minister, begged his colleagues to “face the facts. The Queen is the only official in the entire country who still possesses the trust of the people. She — and only she — can keep the United Kingdom united.”

In the debate, Jeremy Corbyn, the discredited leader of Britain’s Labour Party, threw his support behind Cameron’s proposal, declaring indignantly, “I’ve had it with democracy! The bloody system doesn’t work! So I say let’s give the old girl a crack at real power. God knows she can’t do any worse than we have.”

Suspending the Magna Carta seems almost unthinkable. It has been in effect since 1215 when it was imposed to curb the abuse of authority by King John I (best known for his villainous role in the Robin Hood legend). Under the Magna Carta, the king could no longer impose new taxes without consent of Parliament. It also forbade the King from personally ordering the arrest and punishment of a subject without lawful judgment.

After Parliament acted, Buckingham palace quickly issued a statement announcing that the Queen “graciously welcomes” the return of absolute power to the Throne. (Meanwhile, her husband, Prince Philip, joyously tweeted, “Damn right! It’s about time!”)

“I will rule as well as reign,” the Queen was quoted as saying. “And I promise to rule with liberty and justice for all.” Later in the day, however, the Queen appears to have thrown this promise out the window.

In the first decree issued under her new authority, Her Majesty closed the Tower of London as a museum open to the public and ordered its immediate restoration as a royal fortress and prison. Then she summarily ordered the arrest of her former daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York. “Fergie,” as the Duchess is popularly known, was forcibly escorted to the Tower where she is now imprisoned in the same cell that once briefly housed Anne Boleyn, the second wife of Henry the VIII, before she was beheaded on the Tower green.

(Last night, the palace also announced that the Queen had ceremoniously ennobled Willow and Holly, two of her pet Corgis, the Welsh hunting dogs that are her favorite breed. The Queen has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign. Henceforth, the dogs will be known as Sir Willow and Lady Holly.)

It should be emphasized that the Act just passed by Parliament only suspendsthe Magna Carta; it does not repeal it. The Act is to be in effect only for the duration of Queen Elizabeth’s personal reign. When she dies, power reverts to the Parliament. Since Her Majesty is now ninety, this lapse of representative government in Great Britain may not long endure.

Fiercely objecting to this provision, the Queen’s son, Charles, Prince of Wales, her presumptive successor, announced last night that he has asked his “Mum” to use her now absolute power to dissolve Parliament permanently. “I humbly beg Your Majesty to assert and defend my divine right to the throne when I succeed,” Prince Charles stated. “As for Parliament, who needs those bastards anyway? All they do is screw things up.”

The palace has not made any official or public reply to Prince Charles’s request.


As published today in the US edition of the Huffington Post

I couldn’t be more serious about this funny stuff!

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