What to Do While Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

NOT FAKE NEWS, BUT AUTHENTIC SATIRE

When it comes to Trump’s misadventures, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. There’s so much trouble brewing just beneath the surface that new scandals or disasters are likely to erupt any moment now. In the meantime I’m fantasizing about the exact nature of these about-to-burst calamities. Here are some headlines we might see:

PAUL MANAFORT FLEES TO RUSSIA

Former Trump Campaign Manager Begs Putin for Political Asylum

 

JEFF SESSIONS ACCUSES HIMSELF

“It was Halloween,” the Attorney-General declares in explaining why three Russian spies attended a party in his office last October 31st. “They were in costume, dressed as FBI agents. I blame myself for being fooled, but I didn’t tell them a single thing I wouldn’t tell the FBI.”

 

TRUMP FIRES KELLYANNE

“The bitch was leaking like a sieve,” he declares

 

RELEASE OF TRUMP’S TAX RETURNS REVEAL THAT HE’S FLAT BROKE

President apparently living on money filched from Barron’s trust fund

 

VICE PRESIDENT PENCE RESIGNS IN PROTEST

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore,” Mr. Pence declared when announcing his resignation, effective immediately. “At the White House all I’m permitted to do is stand behind Trump, smiling like an idiot and applauding every stupid thing he says.”

White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced that until a suitable replacement can be found, Pence’s role at White House will be performed by an android robot designed to look and act like Abraham Lincoln.

 

So, tell me, Dear Reader, what’s your expectations along these lines? Please send them to me. Don’t hold back. Remember, the truth doesn’t matter. Alternative facts are very much in order. Just go hog-wild with your fantasies, the way Trump does.

 

www.byronkennard.com

 

As published in the Huffington Post today

1 Comment

  1. Here’s what I think would be a shocking, yet plausible turn of events. What do you think?

    ALT-FUTURE BREAKING NEWS

    MELANIA TRUMP ESCAPES !!

    She flees the Tower in dramatic fashion and is still in hiding with Barron, her makeup and jewels, and only the toys they could carry.

    The initial stories are all about how she did it. The timeline of the escape. Who helped them? Was she able to bring all of her jewelry with her? What’s going to happen to all of her dresses? (Rumors are rampant that the day she left, couture gowns were seen sailing out the windows at Trump Towers. Luckily no one was killed below by the falling dresses and all of them were scooped up by the stunned, and sometimes wounded, pedestrians. A number of shoes fell as well prompting those who found one to stand outside of the Tower for hours on end waiting in hopes for the other shoe to drop.

    The women on The View will undoubtedly be amused by how Barron almost gave the whole plan away by saying something to the person he was going to miss the most at Trump Towers, the kindly washroom attendant on his floor of the building. And the Donald himself also nearly discovered Melania’s plans the day before her successful escape when he grabbed her phone to see who she was calling and talking to lately, a practice of his she always hated. Luckily though, he was distracted by something they were saying on CNN and all he could think of was finding his own phone to send out a tweet as soon as possible. While he was doing that, she grabbed her phone and got the you-know-what out of there fast. That was apparently a very close call.

    She’ll have no trouble making her own living afterwards. If she’s clever, Melania will convince Michelle Obama to ghost write her memoirs and then lead the fight against the Donald’s team of lawyers in court to get them printed.

    Not surprisingly, Playboy will offer her the largest amount ever offered to anyone to pose nude for them every Christmas, doubling sales for December every year and guaranteeing year-end bonuses for all of the Playboy staff.
    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
    A Kardashian Sidebar

    Not to be outdone, Kim Kardashian, who has always been irked at how much publicity the Trump family has been getting – at her expense – will be the next celebrity to corner her own month in Playboy, by entering into a multi-year, multi-billion dollar deal to pose nude every March – her favorite month – for the rest of her life. Part of the reason her payday will be greater than Melania’s, Kim makes sure to point out, is the fact that the whole rest of her family is also willing to pose nude, too, kind of a sweetheart family plan that the Trump family, thankfully, turned down. Ivanka was quoted: “Jared’s and my religion will not allow us to do that and I don’t think it’s another one of those exception things you can ask for, plus my brothers and I thought it wasn’t nearly enough money. We have foreign governments who will give us more than that and we won’t have to take our clothes off!”
    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

    On his own now, Trump claims Melania was a terrible wife. “The worst, believe me! I taught her everything she knew and she still didn’t know anything!” He seems to like being free now but is making Ivanka uneasy as he shows increasing interest in spending time with her daughters and she’s starting to run out of excuses.

    Trump may have turned to food as a form of solace. He used to say he was the biggest President since Andrew Jackson, which is one of his lies that may turn out to be technically true, since he likely already surpasses President Taft’s record-high 335 pounds. “It’s nobody’s business how much I weigh. I’d rather release my taxes than step on a scale for anybody. I don’t mind the European scales so much, though. Their numbers are smaller.”

    One big surprise in all of this is how Trump has forged a new friendship with OJ Simpson, recently released from prison in Las Vegas. Both being single, having the same interests, and more time on their hands, Trump and Simpson spend almost every weekend now flying on Airforce One to golf courses all over the country. While the purpose is supposedly to help OJ continue his search for Nicole’s real killers, Trump claims his golf game has never been better. The press is still forbidden from printing his scores or any photos of him trying to swing the club, but there are accounts that Trump lets Billy Bush carry his clubs for him. That one photo would be worth millions if anyone could get it.

    One thing that irks Trump, though, is when the Democrats and their friends in Fake News – point out he pals around with terrorists (like OJ). “First of all, I’m not Obama. And second of all, just because OJ may or may not have killed his wife, doesn’t make him a terrorist. He didn’t actually cut her head off completely, so you can’t call him a terrorist…” And third: “Some say he’s black, too, but I like to think of him as a celebrity. He’s only black when he has to be, not around me.”

    We continue to live in such an unusual time that all this is even imaginable.

    Like

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