You’re in Trouble


TO: Edward P. Crisp, President, Crisp’s All-Natural Soups, Inc. (CANS)

FROM: Kay Street, Director, Government Relations, Producers Institute for Safe Soup (PISS)

RE: Harvard School of Public Health study that found human urine containing dangerous levels of bisphenol A (BPA)

Eddy, this memorandum is in response to your emails and voicemails about the new Harvard BPA study. Basically, old buddy, my advice is: get a grip!

So dangerous levels of BPA turned up in the urine of humans who consumed your soup?! So what?! That’s no reason for you to go ballistic. If there are any liability issues here, PISS has you covered. Here’s how:

Economic Analysis

Our research shows that the delivery of BPA to human urinary tracts actually represents over $3.23 billion in economic activity in the U.S.A. alone. Approximately 29,459 good paying jobs are created by the manufacture and sale of the chemical, most of them located in key swing states, such as Ohio and Florida.  environmental-econ-636x310.jpg


Eddy, with an election coming up, there’s no way Obama is going to mess with these jobs! Our economic analysis proves that the soup in your cans is as safe as Mother’s milk.


Scientific Analysis

The scientific case for BPA’s safety has never been stronger, thanks to all the money PISS-PAC has poured into campaign coffers.

The payoff? Congress recently passed the landmark Sound Science to Reduce Job Killing Regulations and Big Government Act. This law is 4,037 pages long and completely incomprehensible, even to its authors. It makes it virtually impossible to regulate anything — including, of course, contaminated soup.

The Sound Science Act requires government regulators to provide “conclusive scientific proof” that humans are harmed when they imbibe small quantities of synthetic chemicals such as BPA. Fat chance of that, right?!

(I get the giggles every time I think of those poor buggers at FDA whose job it is to “administer” this law.) 

This insistence on conclusive evidence gives those of us in industry all the wiggle room we need for endless disputation over whether the science is right or wrong, honest or dishonest, sufficient or insufficient, and so on. We can tie up the FDA in knots for decades.

(For some reason, Eddy, I find it this hysterically funny!)

Now, I know you still worry about all those other scientific studies that have linked BPA to diabetes, obesity, Down Syndrome, reduced sperm count, breast cancer, prostate disease, impaired immune function, brain damage, early puberty, and extreme hyperactivity in little girls.

Eddy, none of this stuff can be proved conclusively. So why worry? I suggest you piss away your guilt with the ease that humans piss away BPA.

(This thought breaks me up! Christ, Eddy, I just wet my pants!) 

Hope this helps!


P.S. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s broken leg. Poor little Violet! She’s only 3, isn’t she? How the heck did she manage to climb onto the barn roof?