Washington’s Mount Vernon Renamed “Mount Trump”

Name Change Ignites Patriotic Protest

“For the price I paid to rent the joint I can call it anything I damn well please,” Trump responds.

New campaign button on sale at Mount Trump @ $2.95

 

This was also published today in the Huffington Post

The day after Donald Trump took possession of Mount Vernon for use as his national campaign headquarters, the Republican Presidential nominee announced that he’s renamed the historic site “Mount Trump” in his own honor. “It’s all about branding,” Trump declared. “George Washington made America great, and I’m making it great again. And we’re both tremendous winners!”

Mr. Trump leased Mount Vernon for the remaining weeks of this year’s raucous Presidential contest. To seal the deal he paid an astounding rental fee of $1 billion to the Mount Vernon Upper Class Ladies Association, the non-profit organization that owns the site. The ladies grabbed the money and ran, but now they’re kicking themselves for having done so.

“Renaming Mount Vernon definitely wasn’t part of the deal,” protested Dr. Mary Livingstone, the Association’s President. “Upper class ladies throughout the country are in a terrible snit over this,” she exclaimed. “What a jerk Trump is! I know a lady shouldn’t employ profanity, but, frankly, I’d like to shove the Washington Monument up Trump’s rump!”

Meanwhile Grace C. Allen, the association’s Senior Legal Counsel, announced that she’s seeking an injunction to force Trump to remove the new signs he has had placed at the entrance to Mount Vernon. “They are desecrations of a historic site, totally inappropriate to the setting, cheap, and ugly. I know a lady shouldn’t talk like this but, frankly, they make me want to puke.”

New sign placed at entrance to the historic site formerly known as Mount Vernon

 

When Trump was informed of these protests, he dismissed them contemptuously. “Why the hell should I take them seriously? Dr. Livingstone, I presume, is a joke. Stupid, but a joke. And Grace C. Allen is a total moron with a zero IQ.”

Both sides to the conflict are planning to sue the other.

 

Satire by Byron Kennard: “I couldn’t be more serious about this funny stuff.”

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Trump Bets a Billion Bucks on Deal to Make Himself appear “More Presidential”

Republican Nominee Pivots Toward George Washington

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New National Headquarters of Trump Campaign

 

In a dramatic effort to appear “more Presidential,” Donald Trump announced today that he’s leased Mount Vernon, the plantation home of George Washington, first President of the United States, for use as his campaign headquarters. The lease is for the next 90 days and is costing Trump the astronomical sum of one billion dollars.

“Who’s looking ‘Presidential’ now,” a beaming Trump asked when he made the announcement early this morning. “How’s ‘Hateful Hillary’ going to respond to this? Is she gonna rent Monticello? Well, screw her, she can’t! I checked and it’s not available.”

Leaders of the Republican establishment in Washington, DC greeted Trump’s announcement with unbounded joy, a rare experience for them these days.

“I’m both relieved and pleased,” declared Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), the Senate Majority Leader. “I’ve been praying that Trump would finally put his money where his mouth is. So far all his big talk about ‘self-funding’ his campaign has consisted mostly of buying stuff from Trump-owned companies, baseball caps and crap like that. But here’s the pivot we’ve been hoping for. And it’s HU-GE!”

“At last, here’s solid evidence that Trump is both serious and sincere about his run for the Presidency,” exclaimed House Speaker Paul Ryan when he heard the news. “To tell you the truth, until now I feared he was running primarily to build his own brand. That scared the bejesus out of me. But now I couldn’t be happier. Mount Vernon represents all that’s best about America.”

Trump’s leasing of Washington’s home is possible because the site is not owned by the government, but by the Mount Vernon Upper Class Ladies’ Association, a historic preservation group and one of the ritziest women’s organizations in the United States. “Trump made us an offer we couldn’t refuse,” said Susan Mary Livingstone, the association’s President. “And, besides, it’s only for three months.”

The association does not accept government funding. As a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization it relies solely on contributions from patriotic individuals to maintain the house and site. Livingstone believes she and Trump struck a good deal for both parties. “Golly, just imagine what upper-class women can do with a billion dollars,” she exclaimed. “Spending money is what we do best! We’re thinking of making an offer to buy the Potomac River.”

Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s new campaign manager, has already gone to work in the mansion, setting up an office in the “little parlor” located on the first floor. Mr. Trump and members of his immediate family intend to actually reside in the mansion for the duration of campaign, but his staff will be housed in a Budget Host Traveler’s Motel located five miles from the historic site.

During these three months, Mount Vernon will be closed to the general public, but Trump intends to invite many supporters and potential supporters to visit him there. He plans to stage numerous “photo-ops” with dignitaries and luminaries on the mansion’s famed two-story piazza which extends the full length of the back of the house facing the river. Actor Scott Baio (Chachi on Happy Days) is scheduled to visit later today, and singer Wayne Newton (“Mr. Las Vegas”) will pay a call tomorrow.

Some especially prominent individuals will be invited to stay overnight as houseguests. Mr. Trump says he’s already invited Queen Elizabeth II of England to visit. “I told Her Maj she could sleep in the very bed that Washington died in. I thought she might get a kick out of that, given the way he whipped the ass of George III, her ancestor.”

Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China, is expected for a weekend visit later this month. “We’re gonna put on a fireworks show that’ll knock his socks off,” Trump chortled. “The grand finale will be his profile and mine displayed inside the shape of a heart that’s formed by 1,600 different colored shells. If that’s not ‘Presidential,’ I don’t know what the hell is.”

The coming visit of another world leader, however, is being kept under the tightest of wraps by Mr. Trump and his campaign staff. According to today’s Wall Street Journal,Trump hopes to pull off the biggest “October surprise” in US Presidential campaign history by persuading Russian President Vladimir Putin to spend Halloween at Mount Vernon. (The holiday is on October 31, just nine days before the November election.)

In a related development, the New York Daily News reported that Mr. Trump had quietly dumped two of his famed Trump Tower buildings on the market to raise the billion dollars needed to rent Mount Vernon. Both Towers were sold for what the newspaper described as “bargain-basement prices.”

 

This was also published today in the Huffington Post

Byron Kennard’s Capers  /  Like me on Facebook  /  and Follow me on Twitter 

 

 

Trump Refuses to Release his Psychiatric Records

As published today in the U.S. edition of the Huffington Post:

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_________________________________________________________________

URGENT UPDATE FOR READERS

Since the following story was published on August 8, many people are saying that Donald Trump’s refusal to release his psychiatric records is because they’d reveal that the Republican Presidential nominee was once involuntarily confined to a New York state mental health institution by court order. Though these records are sealed, it seems that the court was responding to a request jointly made by Trump’s former wives.

A photograph (shown above) that purports to document Trump’s confinement has just been published on the Internet by the National Psychiatrists Guild, a radical group that advocates free psychotherapy for everyone. The Guild engages in the highly controversial practice of “outing” prominent people who have been treated for severe mental disorders but who deny it. Most recently the group “outed” disgraced ex-Fox News boss Roger Ailes.

— The Author

_________________________________________________________________

 

Moments after Hillary Clinton released her psychiatric records to the press yesterday, the Republican Presidential nominee went on a tweeting spree “Unlike Crazy Hillary, I am not a kook,” Trump tweeted. “I’m as sane as the Rock of Gibraltar.”

Clinton acted in response to a challenge publicly issued to both Presidential nominees by Dr. Alonzo Kaplan, a prominent psychotherapist who is President of the National Association of Mental Health Professionals. Writing in the current edition of Personality Disorders Today, Dr. Kaplan demanded that Clinton and Trump release their psychiatric records “in order to prove to the public that they are psychologically fit to hold office.”

The psychiatric records released by Clinton reveal that she has, from time to time, consulted psychotherapists for “mild depression,” which is not considered a personality disorder. For his part, Trump claims he’s never once consulted a mental health counselor. “I’m a winner, big time,” he tweeted, “and people who need mental health counseling are losers. PATHETIC.”

Dr. Kaplan, who is the author of Personality Disorders in Political Leaders: From Nero to Nixon, a landmark study in the field, was interviewed on CNN last evening. He said that, after looking over Clinton’s records he considers her in remarkably good mental health, considering “all the poor woman has been through.” But as for Trump, Kaplan said, “Speaking for the profession of psychiatry, I’m confident in stating that Donald Trump scares the holy shit out of each and every one of us.”

Trump struck back while the CNN interview was still on the air. “These psychiatrists have rigged the system to make me look bad,” he tweeted. “They’re dishonest. They’re frauds. I’ve got a mind like a steel trap and they know it.”

Then last night just before midnight Trump signed off by slamming psychoanalysis itself. “Nobody gets psychoanalyzed any more,” Trump tweeted. “It’s a bogus profession. All my wives tried it and it didn’t do any one of them a single bit of good.”

 

For more:

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If elected, Trump pledges “To Abolish the Environment”

As published today in the US edition of the Huffington Post:

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Speaking today at a gun rights rally held in Yellowstone National Park, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump pledged that, if elected, one of his first acts will be to abolish the environment. “The truth, my friends, is that the concept of the environment is a socialist plot to destroy capitalism.” Trump claimed. “The whole thing is a hoax. It’s garbage.”

Trump’s claim was greeted enthusiastically by the thousands of “Second Amendment people” who had gathered in the park to oppose extension of the Endangered Species Act. Their response seemed to urge Trump on. “Folks, I promise you that by the end of my first term there’ll be no environment left, not even a scrap.”

Trump’s statement, however, caused increased consternation within the already-stressed-out Republican establishment. A high ranking Republican staffer on the U.S. Senate Committee on Energy and Natural Resources (who spoke not for attribution) complained that, “Once again, he’s completely screwed things up. What our 2016 party platform promises to abolish is the Environmental Protection Agency, not the environment! Christ Almighty, has the party’s nominee even read the party’s platform?!”

Trump’s pledge, however, won strong support from some conservatives. J. Pierpont Finch III, founder and CEO of Young Americans for Freedom from Ecological Constraints, welcomed the statement. “Strictly speaking, there is no such thing as the environment,” Finch declared. “Sure, there is land and water and air, and there are animals and plants and all sorts of bugs, but to claim that they are somehow integrated into an overall whole is preposterous. It’s a plot perpetuated by environmental zealots seeking to impose world government on us all.”

Rope Purchases by Republican Party Organizations create severe Supply Shortages, especially in Swing States

As published today in the US edition of the Huffington Post:

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It seems that many Republican Party organizations at state and local levels are taking an old adage not only seriously, but literally. “Give Trump enough rope and he’ll hang himself,” says Harley Ferguson, Chair of the Republican Party in Rockrib County, Ohio. “That’s why we spent $5,000 to buy rope that we sent to Trump’s campaign in New York City.”

Ferguson is the one of many Republican officials whose chief political aim is now to protect the party’s down-ticket candidates from the disastrous Trump defeat they see coming in November. Ferguson is also a founder of GiveTrumpRope.com, a new website that has attracted thousands of state and local Republican Party officials, many of whom have also purchased spools of rope and sent them to Trump’s campaign headquarters.

A surprising result of these efforts is a run on rope supplies in hardware stores across the country. Home Depot stores in Florida and Ohio — two swing states —have emptied their shelves entirely. Cord Wainwright, President of the Rope Association of America, stated that, “We’ve never seen demand like this. And when we figured out that all these purchasers were Republican officials we were concerned they might be planning mass suicides. Frankly, we’re relieved to learn there’s only one prospect of that. If Mr. Trump wants to hang himself, he’s sure as heck gonna have enough rope.”

Meanwhile, Agnes Gooch, Coordinator of In-Kind Contributions for the Trump campaign, announced that they will no longer accept donations of rope. “The basement of Trump Tower is packed to the gills with spools of the stuff.” she said. “We’re up to our necks in rope. Please tell people to stop sending it. We’d much rather have donations of canned goods, bottled water, flashlights, candles, and blankets to have on hand in case Hillary Clinton takes power.”

Trump Refuses to Release his Psychiatric Records

As published today in the US edition of the Huffington Post:

Screen Shot 2016-08-08 at 7.45.02 AM

“I am not a kook!” he tweets. “Im as sane as the Rock of Gibraltar.”

Moments after Hillary Clinton released her psychiatric records to the press yesterday, the Republican Presidential nominee went on a tweeting spree “Unlike Crazy Hillary, I am not a kook,” Trump tweeted. “I’m as sane as the Rock of Gibraltar.”

Clinton acted in response to a challenge publicly issued to both Presidential nominees by Dr. Alonzo Kaplan, a prominent psychotherapist who is President of the National Association of Mental Health Professionals. Writing in the current edition of Personality Disorders Today, Dr. Kaplan demanded that Clinton and Trump release their psychiatric records “in order to prove to the public that they are psychologically fit to hold office.”

The psychiatric records released by Clinton reveal that she has, from time to time, consulted psychotherapists for “mild depression,” which is not considered a personality disorder. For his part, Trump claims he’s never once consulted a mental health counselor. “I’m a winner, big time,” he tweeted, “and people who need mental health counseling are losers. PATHETIC.”

Dr. Kaplan, who is the author of Personality Disorders in Political Leaders: From Nero to Nixon, a landmark study in the field, was interviewed on CNN last evening. He said that, after looking over Clinton’s records he considers her in remarkably good mental health, considering “all the poor woman has been through.” Screen Shot 2016-08-10 at 7.50.00 PM.pngBut as for Trump, Kaplan said, “Speaking for the profession of psychiatry, I’m confident in stating that Donald Trump scares the holy shit out of each and every one of us.”

Trump struck back while the CNN interview was still on the air. “These psychiatrists have rigged the system to make me look bad,” he tweeted. “They’re dishonest. They’re frauds. I’ve got a mind like a steel trap and they know it.”

Then last night just before midnight Trump signed off by slamming psychoanalysis itself. “Nobody gets psychoanalyzed any more,” Trump tweeted. “It’s a bogus profession. All my wives tried it and it didn’t do any one of them a single bit of good.”

 

What if the GOP ‘rigged’ the election?

Byron’s letter to the editor of the Washington Post, August 7, 2016

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump speaks on Aug. 1   (Evan Vucci/AP)

Regarding the Aug. 4 editorial “His most noxious conspiracy theory yet”:

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s fears that the election may be “rigged” against him may be real. But I think any rigging was done by the Republican-controlled state legislatures that have passed laws that limit the days and times polls are open and that reduce the number of polling places. These laws may have been intended to inhibit voter turnout among low-income people and minorities, who are believed to vote mostly Democratic.

But they also inhibit turnout of white working-class voters. Often, white working-class voters don’t have flexible work hours or predictable schedules. And they may not be able to wait in line for hours to vote. (On Election Day 2012, some voters had to wait for up to four hours.) Here is all the proof Mr. Trump needs that the dastardly Republican establishment is out to destroy him: It has figured out a way to keep Mr. Trump’s base from voting.

Byron Kennard, Washington

The Wizard of Oz Cure for the Wicked Trump

As published today in the US edition of the Huffington Post:

 

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Okay, here’s what I want you to do. Stand up straight, close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say to yourself:

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

There! Feel better? I hope so. For me, this incantation works like magic (even without ruby slippers). I chant it whenever I encounter even the slightest evidence that Donald Trump might actually win the election. And then — presto! — I return home — and by home I mean the good old days not so long ago when Trump’s candidacy for the Presidency of the United States was a joke and his nomination unthinkable. (And, oh, Uncle Sam, there’s no place like home.)

Reciting this old French proverb — plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose — reminds me that turbulent changes often do not change reality on a deep level; in fact, they cement the status quo. When the smoke clears and the tumult has died down, basically things stay the same. Now, you might be wondering just what is it I’m hoping “stays the same.”

In what I now see as ‘the good old days,” big money was the single most potent force in American politics, and the single biggest source of this money was the financial sector. That was the status quo politically, a rotten state of affairs I deplored with all the high-minded, self-righteousness at my command.

This year’s topsy-turvy Presidential campaign, however, has dislodged the big money boys from their top dog status and replaced them — at least temporarily — with one big money boy, the Donald himself. Candidate Trump triumphed in the primaries by disdaining paid ads, riding a tidal wave of free media, claiming to be self-financing, and giving the big money boys the finger — all to the delight of his populist, anti-establishment supporters.

This stratagem worked for Trump in the primaries, but a general election campaign is different. It requires big money, probably at least a billion dollars. But now the big money boys are giving Trump the finger. They don’t need him, and they don’t want him.

Remember that what the financial sector craves above all is stability. So a shoot-from-the-hip Trump Administration freaks out the big money boys. Trump represents instability. Many financial sector leaders predict a nightmare for investors. They fear he might trigger trade wars. Some predict that the stock market and economy will tank.

As the big money boys see things, Clinton represents stability. Compared to Trump, she’s the Rock of Gibraltar. That’s why Clinton raised more contributions in the primaries from executives in the financial services industry than all other candidates combined. (Silicon Valley is going for her too in a big way.)

The Donald is in a bind. He needs to launch vigorous get-out-the-vote (GOTV) campaigns to make sure his base of white working class voters actually turns up at the polls. (Working-class whites have gone from being 65 percent of the US electorate in 1980 to 36 percent today.) If Trump is to have a prayer of winning in November, he’s got to get practically every one of these voters to the polls. But GOTV campaigns require a massive infrastructure and are costly.

Where’s the money to come from? From Trump himself? True, he’s boasted that he’s rich enough to pay for the entire campaign. If Trump did so, it would certainly prove to his fan base that he’s a man who can’t be bought.

Meanwhile, current campaign finance reports show Clinton millions ahead of Trump. She’s raking in the dough. And here I am, high-minded me, chanting incantations, hoping to restore the dear old rotten status quo. Maybe Donald Trump, the self-financing billionaire, can’t be bought but, thanks to big money, the election can still be.

 

 

Trump Claims to have received more votes than Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln combined

As published today in the US edition of the Huffington Post:

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A short paragraph in Donald Trump’s acceptance speech about votes in past Presidential elections went generally unnoticed even by Hillary Clinton’s campaign, but it has drawn the ire of a group of prominent historians. In the paragraph, Trump described about his triumphs in this year’s Presidential primary elections.

“Who would’ve believed that when we started this journey on June 16th last year, we would have received almost 14 million votes, the most in the history of the Republican Party. And get this: I got far more votes than George Washington and Thomas Jefferson combined ever got. I got four times as many votes as Abraham Lincoln received in both his Presidential campaigns! People love me. Why, I could stand in the middle of the National Mall and toss grenades at the monuments and I wouldn’t lose any voters,” Trump boasted.

In a statement released to the press yesterday, Ivy Anderson, Executive Director of the American Society of Professional Historians, stated that “Mr. Trump’s effort to establish a historical connection between his political victories and that of Presidents Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln is erroneous. While Trump is correct about the numbers, his claim proves nothing. Both Washington and Jefferson were elected by state legislatures. Popular voting for Presidents didn’t come in until the 1820s. And while Lincoln received 1,866,452 votes in 1860 and 2,218,388 votes in 1864, that was over 150 years ago. The population of the country was far smaller then than it is now. In 1860 the total population of the United States was 31,443,321. Today, it’s 317 million people, over ten times more. Speaking on behalf of the profession, I must say that when it comes to history Mr. Trump appears to be very poorly educated.”

The release of Anderson’s statement quickly prompted a series of indignant tweets from the Republican nominee:

 

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

These crooked historians have rigged the story to make me look bad. These people are sick!

 

 

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump
History is a failing profession that’s lost its way. Nobody reads history books anymore. They’re so boring! To be honest, I’ve never been able to get through one. SAD!

 

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

History is bunk! That’s why I won with overwhelming support from voters who are poorly educated about history. I love people who are poorly educated about history!

In post-BREXIT turmoil, Parliament suspends Magna Carta and grants Queen absolute power

As published today in the US edition of the Huffington Post:

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In a desperate, unprecedented attempt to restore political stability, the British Parliament voted yesterday to suspend the Magna Carta and, in the interim, to grant absolute power to Queen Elizabeth II.

The post-BREXIT turmoil has, in effect, left the country completely leaderless. In proposing such radical legislation, David Cameron, the discredited Prime Minister, begged his colleagues to “face the facts. The Queen is the only official in the entire country who still possesses the trust of the people. She — and only she — can keep the United Kingdom united.”

In the debate, Jeremy Corbyn, the discredited leader of Britain’s Labour Party, threw his support behind Cameron’s proposal, declaring indignantly, “I’ve had it with democracy! The bloody system doesn’t work! So I say let’s give the old girl a crack at real power. God knows she can’t do any worse than we have.”

Suspending the Magna Carta seems almost unthinkable. It has been in effect since 1215 when it was imposed to curb the abuse of authority by King John I (best known for his villainous role in the Robin Hood legend). Under the Magna Carta, the king could no longer impose new taxes without consent of Parliament. It also forbade the King from personally ordering the arrest and punishment of a subject without lawful judgment.

After Parliament acted, Buckingham palace quickly issued a statement announcing that the Queen “graciously welcomes” the return of absolute power to the Throne. (Meanwhile, her husband, Prince Philip, joyously tweeted, “Damn right! It’s about time!”)

“I will rule as well as reign,” the Queen was quoted as saying. “And I promise to rule with liberty and justice for all.” Later in the day, however, the Queen appears to have thrown this promise out the window.

In the first decree issued under her new authority, Her Majesty closed the Tower of London as a museum open to the public and ordered its immediate restoration as a royal fortress and prison. Then she summarily ordered the arrest of her former daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York. “Fergie,” as the Duchess is popularly known, was forcibly escorted to the Tower where she is now imprisoned in the same cell that once briefly housed Anne Boleyn, the second wife of Henry the VIII, before she was beheaded on the Tower green.

(Last night, the palace also announced that the Queen had ceremoniously ennobled Willow and Holly, two of her pet Corgis, the Welsh hunting dogs that are her favorite breed. The Queen has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign. Henceforth, the dogs will be known as Sir Willow and Lady Holly.)

It should be emphasized that the Act just passed by Parliament only suspendsthe Magna Carta; it does not repeal it. The Act is to be in effect only for the duration of Queen Elizabeth’s personal reign. When she dies, power reverts to the Parliament. Since Her Majesty is now ninety, this lapse of representative government in Great Britain may not long endure.

Fiercely objecting to this provision, the Queen’s son, Charles, Prince of Wales, her presumptive successor, announced last night that he has asked his “Mum” to use her now absolute power to dissolve Parliament permanently. “I humbly beg Your Majesty to assert and defend my divine right to the throne when I succeed,” Prince Charles stated. “As for Parliament, who needs those bastards anyway? All they do is screw things up.”

The palace has not made any official or public reply to Prince Charles’s request.